Letting Go
I have always lived by the belief that you are only as good as the company that you keep. I abide by that philosophy in almost every aspect of my life. To me friendship is paramount to survival. What could be more important than someone to love you for who you are? Some friends may come and go, but there is one type of friend that will be with you til death do you part. Seventeen years ago my roommate and I found two small malnourished black kittens playing in the street. We brought them inside. I have had animals around me all my life so what was two more little furry companions? The roommate moved out a year later, but the kittens stayed. My little black fuzzy children have lived in many places and have been by my side through thick and thin.
This morning, after several months of declining health, one my children passed away. I just sat there on the kitchen floor and wept off and on for hours. His poor little lifeless body wrapped in a towel on the bathroom floor was too much for me to bare. I’ve known for months this day was coming, but still my heart aches. I know to the outside world he was only a cat, but to me he was one my best friends. It’s a new year today and I should be happy, but I feel empty inside. I know my little kitty is better off not suffering anymore. That’s what my head says, but my heart doesn’t feel the same.
As I sit here tonight in the solitude of my room I can’t help but think about all things in my life that I have had to let go of. I’ve never been very good at good-bye. This will take sometime to recover from, but just like everything else with time it will heal. It’s funny. I miss him already.
"God made the Earth round so that we could not see too far ahead…" Isak Dinesen
~For LaBelle~
A Commercial Pause…
I wanted to take a moment to say thank you. Thank you to all the strangers across the globe that have commented on my blog. Thank you for all the countless messages that I have gotten over the months. Thank you for all the advice and kinds words. Thank you for sharing so many of your own stories. Thank you to all those that have wished me well.
I often tell my friends how hard it is for me sometimes because I feel so alone and isolated here. I sometimes wonder in this great big world will I make difference. If I vanished tomorrow would anyone other than my family and close friends really notice. I used to sign my classmates yearbooks, "don’t forget me". I always wanted to make a difference. I’m not a doctor or brilliant scientist. I can’t sing very well, act or even dance. I don’t have any great talents. I’m just me and that will have to be enough. May be in some small way I have made a difference in the world. Just may be I will not be forgotten…may be.
Thank you!!!
The Bigger Question
People have told me how brave I was for moving halfway across the country to take a new job and start over. I’m not brave. If anything I am a coward. I left Memphis because I had nowhere else to go there but down. I had finally run out of track. My career was at a dead end. If I had stayed in Memphis I would have surely succumbed to failure. I had nothing to loose by leaving and everything to gain. I left Memphis in hopes of a better life.
I had a thought today. What if I never find the life that I thought I was supposed to be living? What happen to the boy with all the dreams? How did I forget about all the plans I made back in high school. Next year I will be forty. I am not even sure I know what that means anymore. I often say that the reason adults ask children what they want to be when they grow up is that they are looking for some ideas for themselves. I can’t spend the rest of my life like this. How did I get here? They say that the unexamined life is not worth living. What happens when it’s been so over analyzed that you think might just go mad? I sometimes lie in bed at night wondering who I am. Here I am in this huge city on my own. I look around me and I already have made so many friends, but sometimes I feel so isolated. Tonight I was supposed to meet some of my friends at a club called Hot Dog. I waited outside for them. I don’t like going into a club that I don’t know by myself. As I stood on the sidewalk waiting I began to feel the pains of isolation swell up around me. After almost 30 minutes of waiting alone in the crisp late night air myself esteem had all but vanished. I looked around at all the people waiting in line to get in and I felt a lump rise in my throat. I couldn’t deny it anymore. The loneliness was palpable. I walked slowly away from the club and back down the street to my car. There I sat and wondered again, how did I get here. I guess the bigger question is where am I going. If life is what you make of it then perhaps I need to work a little bit harder.
The Littlest Thing
Since moving to Los Angeles I have met many people. I have also been on a couple of dates here and there. As per my usual status, none of the dates have stuck. I just haven’t found anyone worth holding on to so far. The first two where a couple of "actors". No offense to anyone out there who is one, but my experience so far has been neurotic and expensive. Both of the guys I went out with where struggling actors so they had no money to pay for dinner and all they did the entire time was talk about their big break and why it hasn’t happen yet. Then of course there was the Hollywood talent agent. A very nice guy, but way too into who you know and what it can get him. There was the real estate guy (yawn) and the makeup artist. The makeup guy was really cute and all, but it was the kind of makeup that he applied that turned me off. He worked in the adult film industry. His job consisted of covering pimples on people’s back sides. I just couldn’t the images out of my head. Then on Halloween night I met the personal assistant to an oh-so famous, but extremely thin celebutante. He let me in on her diet secret that is just oh so "simple". Apparently it consist of a white powdery substance up each nostril. I let him buy me a drink at the Abbey and then I was on my way.
In a city like Los Angeles there is an ever ending supply of men, both gay and straight, for the choosing. I of course choose one that isn’t attracted to me. I met him over Memorial day weekend. Over the next couple of months we began to see each other out at parties and things. I finally got up the courage one night (Courage in this sense consisted of 3 cosmopolitans and a key lime martini, but who was counting.) to ask him out. "Sorry, but I’m not attracted to you, but we can still hang out sometimes." I was okay with that. It seemed like I could deal with it.
Now months later we have become very close friends we talk almost everyday and we do things on the weekends. The more I am with him the more I have to remind myself that nothing will ever come out of this. I was doing pretty well until last night. He called me Monday afternoon and I was busy and never got a chance to call him back. On Tuesday he called me again. I answered the phone and the first thing out of his mouth was, "Are you mad at me or something?" And there it was. The one thing that I was looking for that told me there was something there. It wasn’t much. As a matter of fact most people wouldn’t even notice anything odd at all, but I did. This little moment gives me a glimmer of hope. That hope is that in the same way a very attractive person can become less attractive the more you get to know them a person that you wouldn’t have given a second glance can become, over time, the most beautiful person in the world. Yes, I am a hopeless romantic, but it is the littlest things that keep people like myself going. In a world such as ours it’s only love and hope of love that makes any of this bearable.
To The Bitter End
"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life…" - The Fray
In a city like Los Angeles there is always something to do. There are movie premieres. There art gallery openings, trendy bars & restaurants, and great shopping. The one thing there is not for a new comer is always someone to do things with. I have met some really fun people, but everyone seems to have a life already in progress. No one seems to have the time or the need for a new friend. How can that be? When I lived in Memphis I would go to parties in the hopes of meeting someone new. In a city like Los Angeles, new is not necessarily improved.
When I came here I had a handful of friends already here. They were scattered over the L.A. metro area, but at least it was a start. One of my friends was new to the city just like me. He had moved here in August of last year for work and was doing great. At least that is what I was taking from it. Every time I would see him he would look great. He was loosing weight and looked so happy. After several months I noticed all sorts of strange signs. His appearances became very rare and when I would see him there was always some drama of some sort going on around him. Days or weeks would pass before he would return my calls. Sometimes late at night I would get random yet very strange text messages or voice mails asking for help. When I would respond I would get no answer. Finally around Labor day weekend I got a call asking if he could crash at my place, but he never showed up. I saw him out a couple nights later. He looked very thin, sad and distressed. I hugged him and whispered, "I’m here if you need me".
That was the last time I saw my friend. A couple of weeks later I discovered that he had moved back to the East coast to live with his parents and try and put his life back together. I know it is for the best, but somehow I feel that I failed him. Perhaps if I had paid attention to the signs I could have stepped in sooner and then I could have…
As I sit here in the solitude of my room I wonder what I really am doing here. In Memphis I felt like people needed me and I made a difference, but here… Here I have failed the one person that really seemed to need me. Perhaps the person I failed was me. I like so many others in this world need to be needed by others. I often wonder if that is why we have children or even pets for that matter. I once had a friend tell me that the reason I don’t keep close friends for more than a couple of years is because the minute I sense they don’t need me quite as much I start looking for someone who does. It could be or is it me that needs them. May be it is "all about me after all".
Yes, I’m alive…
Before I begin I want to say sorry. I’m sorry to the 3 people that actually read my blog that I stopped writing. I don’t know what happen. I moved to Los Angeles and I stopped writing. It’s not that there aren’t things to write about or that nothing is happening to me. I could talk about my new job or my new apartment. I could lament about my adventures at the local laundry mat…’Suds World’. I could go into great detail about how my car ended up in the shop. I could even talk about the gayest Target ever being 2 blocks from my new place. I could on and on about the traffic. I don’t really know why I have been so silent. I have been very busy with my new job and getting adjusted to my new life. There are so many things that have happen to me. I have gone through so many different emotional stages. Walking away from 17 years of life in Memphis and starting over in a huge city was not quite as easy as I had thought it would be. I began my new life in Los Angeles on February 1st, 2006. I would be lying if I said that the last 6 months have been easy and without sadness. I have had days of regret, second thoughts, home-sickness and happiness. The hardest part has been letting go of my life in Memphis. I really thought I would be able to juggle both, but the more time passes the more I know that is not possible. One of my new friends here told me that if I was going to have a life out here I would have to stop living my life in Memphis. It’s just not that easy for me. I can’t just turn my back on the people and places that have meant so much to me over the years. I have to wonder. Does absences really make the heart grow fonder or do we just learn to forget over time? When I was 13 years old my family moved from Tampa to a small town in south Georgia. I hated it. It was small and backward and the people talked funny. I was 13 and suddenly I had no friends. I really had a hard time adjusting. Now, here I am some 26 years later in a strange new place. This time things are different in lots of ways. I have a great job, a cute apartment and a handful of friends all in less than 6 months. 
I really feel that I fit here. I know it will take sometime to build up a good friendship base. I also know that I will never have such a group of friends as I did in Memphis. As we move through life we make a lot of friends along the way. Some of them will stay with us for a very long time others will just slip away, but the best ones are the ones that leave a mark.
For my Memphis friends…I miss you.
~Seany P~
Yes, I’m alive…
Before I begin I want to say sorry. I’m sorry to the 3 people that actually read my blog that I stopped writing. I don’t know what happen. I moved to Los Angeles and I stopped writing. It’s not that there aren’t things to write about or that nothing is happening to me. I could talk about my new job or my new apartment. I could lament about my adventures at the local laundry mat…’Suds World’. I could go into great detail about how my car ended up in the shop. I could even talk about the gayest Target ever being 2 blocks from my new place. I could on and on about the traffic. I don’t really know why I have been so silent. I have been very busy with my new job and getting adjusted to my new life. There are so many things that have happen to me. I have gone through so many different emotional stages. Walking away from 17 years of life in Memphis and starting over in a huge city was not quite as easy as I had thought it would be. I began my new life in Los Angeles on February 1st, 2006. I would be lying if I said that the last 6 months have been easy and without sadness. I have had days of regret, second thoughts, home-sickness and happiness. The hardest part has been letting go of my life in Memphis. I really thought I would be able to juggle both, but the more time passes the more I know that is not possible. One of my new friends here told me that if I was going to have a life out here I would have to stop living my life in Memphis. It’s just not that easy for me. I can’t just turn my back on the people and places that have meant so much to me over the years. I have to wonder. Does absences really make the heart grow fonder or do we just learn to forget over time? When I was 13 years old my family moved from Tampa to a small town in south Georgia. I hated it. It was small and backward and the people talked funny. I was 13 and suddenly I had no friends. I really had a hard time adjusting. Now, here I am some 26 years later in a strange new place. This time things are different in lots of ways. I have a great job, a cute apartment and a handful of friends all in less than 6 months.
I really feel that I fit here. I know it will take sometime to build up a good friendship base. I also know that I will never have such a group of friends as I did in Memphis. As we move through life we make a lot of friends along the way. Some of them will stay with us for a very long time others will just slip away, but the best ones are the ones that leave a mark.
For my Memphis friends…I miss you.
~Seany P~
Yes, I’m alive…
Before I begin I want to say sorry. I’m sorry to the 3 people that actually read my blog that I stopped writing. I don’t know what happen. I moved to Los Angeles and I stopped writing. It’s not that there aren’t things to write about or that nothing is happening to me. I could talk about my new job or my new apartment. I could lament about my adventures at the local laundry mat…’Suds World’. I could go into great detail about how my car ended up in the shop. I could even talk about the gayest Target ever being 2 blocks from my new place. I could on and on about the traffic. I don’t really know why I have been so silent. I have been very busy with my new job and getting adjusted to my new life. There are so many things that have happen to me. I have gone through so many different emotional stages. Walking away from 17 years of life in Memphis and starting over in a huge city was not quite as easy as I had thought it would be. I began my new life in Los Angeles on February 1st, 2006. I would be lying if I said that the last 6 months have been easy and without sadness. I have had days of regret, second thoughts, home-sickness and happiness. The hardest part has been letting go of my life in Memphis. I really thought I would be able to juggle both, but the more time passes the more I know that is not possible. One of my new friends here told me that if I was going to have a life out here I would have to stop living my life in Memphis. It’s just not that easy for me. I can’t just turn my back on the people and places that have meant so much to me over the years. I have to wonder. Does absences really make the heart grow fonder or do we just learn to forget over time? When I was 13 years old my family moved from Tampa to a small town in south Georgia. I hated it. It was small and backward and the people talked funny. I was 13 and suddenly I had no friends. I really had a hard time adjusting. Now, here I am some 26 years later in a strange new place. This time things are different in lots of ways. I have a great job, a cute apartment and a handful of friends all in less than 6 months.
I really feel that I fit here. I know it will take sometime to build up a good friendship base. I also know that I will never have such a group of friends as I did in Memphis. As we move through life we make a lot of friends along the way. Some of them will stay with us for a very long time others will just slip away, but the best ones are the ones that leave a mark.
For my Memphis friends…I miss you.
~Seany P~
The End of a Long Journey
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step". The journey that I just completed began almost three years ago. That is when my life took a huge turn. Since those days I have pondered moving. Some days I was certain that I needed to leave Memphis and others I wasn’t so sure. Then about two years ago my job situation began the slide from bad to God awful, In November of last year the final kick that I sorely needed came with the loss of my job. The next three months would be anything, but easy for me. I was immersed any so many emotions. There was anger, shock, grief, regret and relief. Just before Christmas I made a long over due, but still heart wrenching decision to leave Memphis. After a couple of weeks of job searching it became apparent to me that I needed to be in Los Angeles. Finally after a night of tearful good-byes, bittersweet moments and the dawning of reality, the day that I would leave Memphis had finally arrived.
The truck was loaded and decorated that chilly Monday morning. Tommy and I had taken an hour or so to load my car on the trailer. 
Then we were ready for the three day journey to Los Angeles. Of course I knew that traveling with Tommy would be more than a normal driving experience. 
Don’t I looked thrilled?
Did I feel any remorse as I crossed over the Mississippi? Some feelings of sadness came into my mind. I thought of all the dear friends and wonderful memories I was leaving behind. I couldn’t help, but wonder as I passed over the river what my life would have been like had I never met all of you.
The first day of driving was from Memphis to Little Rock and then on to Oklahoma City.
We got off to late start that Monday so we didn’t reach Oklahoma City until late. Somewhere around 11:00pm we pulled the truck into the parking lot of the Residence Inn. We unloaded our suitcases and brought in the cats for the night.
The next morning we were off. Headed west along I-40 towards Amarillo. The drive was difficult because of the high winds and our lovely truck. If we could get up to 65 it was a miracle. There were a couple of times that I wasn’t sure if I could keep it on the road. After several hours we spotted the Texas state line and soon we had made a stop at the welcome center. It was a chance to stretch and read about the history of Texas.
I was tired of driving. So I found a good place to stretch out.
Tommy was busy entertaining the local truck drivers, himself.
Soon we had to stop at a truck stop for gas. 
Since Tommy was dressed for the occasion he insisted on pumping the gas this time.
Later we stopped at a local Mc Donald’s where Tommy had a scrumptious meal of dried chicken fingers and charred french fries. I, on the other hand, made a new friend on the playground. Everyone this is Ronny. Ronny this is everyone.
I tried to tell him about the stripes thing not working, but do you think he would listen. I guess I liked him because he reminded me of my dear Aunt Sandy back in Midtown. I just love old people. Don’t you?
Next it was off across the plains of west Texas. A place wide open spaces for as far as the eye could see. Nothing but farm land, cattle and world’s largest cross.
Words cannot describe what I was feeling as we passed this on the interstate. Tommy of course was ready to stop and pray. Lucky for him he was dressed as Miss Bible Belt at the time. 
Later we came upon a structure that is a fitting legacy to George W Bush’s time as governor of this fine state. 
I guess since Piza has leaning tower why can’t Texas, huh?
I think Tommy and I both decided that if either one of us died on this trip it could not be here. I mean no one would ever find us.
Soon we had passed through the panhandle of Texas and entered the great land of New Mexico, the land of enchantment. 
It’s not that I was thrilled to be in New Mexico. It was just that I was glad not to be in Texas anymore.
To celebrate I was made to wear the Princess Di hat.
It goes well with my hair I think.
Soon the Sun was setting on yet another day of adventure. Of course this was not the end of driving. Oh no…this was our long day we still had to make it to Flagstaff, Arizona before we could stop. At this point we had been driving for about 9 hours. We still had about seven to go.
Oh look, it’s the Arizona boarder!!!
Finally around 1:00am in the morning we reached Flagstaff. We were a little delirious from the drive. Some of us more than others, hmmmmmmm.
Don’t ask what he is wearing or what he is doing. Just smile and slowly step back from the cage…slowly, slowly…
The next morning in the freezing cold of Flagstaff we boarded our truck for one last time. 
We headed out around 8:00am. Our final day of driving would be another 9 hours. Nine hours of celebrity crossword puzzles - nine hours of satellite radio cutting in and out - nine hours of that constant squeaking from the truck - nine hours of Tommy bashing the girls from Pageant - nine hours of hearing how the other girls were jealous. (Let it go!!!)
Then of course comes the desert. At least the open space of west Texas and Oklahoma had cattle and giant pagan symbols. 
Miles and miles and miles of nothing. The truck almost over heated twice climbing the mountain passes. After many long hours we finally saw them. The freeway sign telling me I was finally getting there!!!
The last hour of our trip was navigating rush hour traffic on the Santa Monica Freeway. Yes, we arrived just before 5:00pm. We arrived around six at my new place. We unloaded the bed, the cats and our suitcases.
The next day we unloaded the rest of the stuff. It was then that I finally got it. I got that this was it. I wasn’t in Memphis anymore. My life there was over. It was time for a new one. 
It had taken me so many years to take the final steps, but when I finally did it was like running down a mountain. The more I would try to stop or change direction the faster the changes would come. In the end it was as if my life was in control of me. My life was urging me along to make the changes.
So here I am all moved in and living my new life in this huge city. I have a job as the Corporate Travel Manager for Guess, Inc. I have cute ass little apartment on the eastern door steps to West Hollywood. Most of all I have the greatest friends in all the world and no matter what and no matter where I will never be alone…never.
"Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn’t fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away"
Carrie Bradshaw - Sex & The City
The Kindness of Others
As I prepare for the big move to Los Angeles in one week I have begun to look back at my life here. I see so much around me that I will miss. I see so many memories of great times and great friends. Memphis may not be a huge metropolis or booming destination for the masses, but it has been my home for the last 16 years.
Tonight I had dinner with one of my dearest and closest friends. This is someone that I have shared so much with. He has been by my side during some of the greatest triumphs and some of my saddest times. As he walked away tonight a tear ran down my cheek. I felt the lump rise in my throat as I struggled to swallow. What am I doing? Why am I leaving? I am walking away from the people I love most.
In the last couple of months I have become aware of the incredible gift that I have been given. The gift of loving friendship is all around me. It surrounds me and binds me to this place I call home. The last 3 years of my life have been a roller coaster of emotions. I never knew how fortunate I was until the last couple of months. I saw that regardless of what I thought I have so many wonderfully kind people in my life. If I live to be 200 I think never shall I meet such friends again.
SeanyP
Moving On
Sunday morning at 8:30am I will depart on a plane bound for Los Angeles. I will be there for an entire week and hopefully everything will come out for the best. I am happy to report that I have 3 different job interviews in L.A and one of them seems very promising.
January 8th marks two months since I lost my job. It has been an extremely emotional and difficult time for me, but at the same time I have learned so much more about myself. I am not the same person I was before. I have been humbled like I never thought I could. I have learned to let go of anger and hate and in return I have opened my heart to forgiveness and understanding. I cannot change who I have been or the things that have happen in the past, but I can learn from my mistakes and hope that my friends can forgive me, too.
If things go the way I think they will I will be relocating to Los Angeles at the end of the month. This will be a very bitter sweet good-bye. By leaving Memphis I leave behind possibly one of the greatest groups of friends a man could ever hope for in a lifetime. It will not be easy for me to say farewell. Even now as I write this I can feel myself choking back tears. My years here have changed who I am. The friends I have made will always have a special place in my heart.
As I look back on the year that was 2005 I wince in pain. It was a year filled with sorrow and pain not just for me and the personal losses that I have endured, but for the countless souls that suffered the natural and man made disasters worldwide. I look forward now to a better year in 2006 for myself and for everyone. Chin up, world!!! We’re going to be okay.
The Long Good-Bye
When I was a little boy I used to put on puppet shows for my Grandmother during my visits to her home. She would sit there patiently and watch my little shows for minutes on end. She never complained or interrupted the show. She would giggle and applaud while sitting on the sofa in her pajamas watching as tried out my new cardboard Sesame Street puppet theater. I thought moments like those would never fade from memory.
My Grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 1997 and in 2001 she was placed in a rest home. Last Monday, December 26, 2005 her poor little body finally gave out. Carrying her casket to the grave last Thursday I fought back tears of sadness and guilt. Sadness because I have lost another part of my childhood and guilt because I’m relieved that it’s finally over. She really passed away 5 years ago as far as I am concerned. That is when she lost all recognition of her family. Since then it has just been a slow and gradual slide towards eternity.
I sat there next to my dad at the graveside as the minister spoke, but I couldn’t tell you what he said. Even though I was seated before my Grandmother’s coffin my mind was elsewhere. I was desperately trying to remember the good times. I was trying to think back to the days of laughter and fun, but all that I could see in my mind was the vacant eyes of a lost soul staring back at me. I have been struggling since her funeral to remember the good things about her life and the time that I spent with her. Sometimes all I can see are those cold, emotionless eyes in my dreams. In time I hope they will be replaced with happier dreams of better days. The funeral director told me that it should give me comfort that she is in a better place now. And yes, that does help some, but the problem is that I was robbed of her spirit years ago. I was left with an empty shell and now I just need to remember what it was like before that awful time.
God rest her soul…
Past Due
When I first lost my job I was sure that I would come out on top. How could I not? I just knew that everything was going to work out. I had a short term plan to survive the holidays and a long term plan to find a new job by the end of January. The saying goes that…"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger". This morning as I lay in bed fighting the urge to stay there all day I thought how much more can I take? How much longer will the money hold out before I am on the street? Sometimes I wonder why even try. I could just pack up my belongings and move back to the small mountain town I was born at in central Washington. There I could survive working in the apple orchards or selling fruit on the side of the road. In the winter I could work at any of the local ski lodges.
It’s Christmas all around me, but I don’t feel it. There is no tree in my window. I have not wrapped one gift much less gone shopping for one. Soon it will be New Year’s Eve and the very idea of spending it single and unemployed is too much. The loneliness is overwhelming.
As I look out my window at the bleak winter night I can’t help but wonder how did I get here? How did I end up like this? Did I make a wrong turn too many times? Over the years I have made a lot of mistakes. Have I reached my quota and now it’s time to pay? The problem is my account is overdrawn and the bill is past due.
Fire Sale
Today I had to return to the scene of the crime. I had to clean off my desk at my former job. It is amazing how many items one person can accumulate in 8 years. The vast majority of the items are gifts from people who appreciated what I did for them over the years. Apparently I must have done a pretty damn good job. I had to remove 6 standard sized moving boxes of stuff, but I am getting ahead of myself.
I was dreading today like death itself. I had known all week that I was going to have to do this. I arrived at the gate to the hospital at 11:00am as planned and announced to the guard who I was and who I was there to meet. He checked his clipboard and announced that my request was denied. I was not permitted to enter the campus. Apparently I had become some type of criminal and was banned from the very place that I had dedicated the last 8 years of my life. I just stared blankly at him and said she is expecting me. After a few awkward moments he instructed me to drive to the front entrance. There I was greeted by another guard who was to escort me into the building. As we walked from my car he asked me how long had I been in travel. I explained that I had been doing it for over 16 years. "Wow! I used to work at Gulliver’s Travel a while back. I ain’t never seen you at any of the functions". Oh, joy! Is this what I have to look forward to now? Is this the natural evolution for travel consultants? We can’t make it in the real world so all that is left is a career as a rent-a-cop. At this point I was joined by the director of employee relations and another guard. I find it ironic that the director of employee relations is supposed to represent the employees when they feel harassed of mistreated, but she is the one that does the firing. She was standing at the information desk in her faded off brand-too-tight-jeans and drab brown windbreaker. "How are you?" she asked with a smirk. I was stunned by this question. I just stared blankly and replied, "Unemployed…" After some very awkward silence I was escorted to my former office and allowed to retrieve my belongings. It was the same office, but now it seemed cold and empty. Everything was different now. I was different.
Later, as I drove off the hospital campus for the very last time I found that the sadness and remorse was gone. Eight years of my life had been dedicated to this hospital and now in the blink of a an eye it was over. I have spent the last 8 years of my life saying that I was going to change things and I would start tomorrow. Now, I get it. Tomorrow may never come and if I wait any longer I may wake up one day see that it is too late. In the early 90’s there was a very popular television show, ‘Northern Exposure’. It took place in a small town in Alaska. In my favorite episode one of the main characters mother comes from Detroit to visit and explain that she is divorcing her husband of 34 years. While staying with her daughter she lays a towel on a space heater and in turn burns her daughters home to the ground. Later on as she tries set things right she explains that her daughter should feel relieved. She has the opportunity to start fresh, to start over. "I waited 34 years to burn my house to the ground. Be glad that you didn’t have to wait that long…"
~SeanyP~
Loosing My Grip
Contact is defined as "the apparent touching or mutual tangency of the limbs of two celestial bodies or of the disk of one body with the shadow of another during an eclipse, transit, or occultation…"
Since my loss of employment I have discovered how much I need contact with other people. I have always known that I am a social being, but the hours that I have spent alone have enlightened my senses even more. When I first was terminated I was constantly around my friends and other well being individuals. Now as the days mount I spend more and more time alone. This is of my own doing I do believe. I don’t want to be a burden and no one wants to here me go on and on about my situation. Besides, I don’t have any money and I am ashamed of the fact that my friends are constantly paying my way. I am extremely touched by their generosity, but the guilt is overwhelming.
Today I have had no contact at all and I can feel that the depths of depression have begun their assault. I discovered tonight while reading my lease I cannot break it without significant penalty. This sent me into a tail spin. My whole long term plan was to get my act together over the next couple of months and then come February be ready to move for a new job if need be. Now I find that I am trapped until the end of June. I don’t know if I can hold on that long. I had a panic attack today when I had to spend $7.27 on cat food and face cleanser at Target. They say that what does not kill us only makes us stronger. I would hate to be known as the man who died in the midst of a panic attack over a tube of Crest.
The Edge of Disaster
I told a friend last night that I felt as if I was standing on the edge of disaster. I said that I was at the end of my rope at work and that I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold on. Today I slipped and fell into the abyss. The moment that I knew was coming for the last several months has arrived. At 3:00pm today the call came from HR. It would have been more appropriate to ring the bell in the tower as I marched across the campus to the HR building. There I placed my neck upon the block. The director of employee relations brought the blade down again and again until my job lay bleeding on the floor.
It is over, but unlike in the fairy tales the wicked witch won this time. I am no more in my kingdom. Don’t think I did not fight. I did, right up until the final moment. There is so much more to tell, but I just don’t have it in me to tell. I feel so lonely and scared. What am I going to do now? Where do I go from here?
A person I respect and love dearly told me today that he just knew that this was the best thing to happen to me at this point in my life. He said the this would force me to move on with my life and get out of Memphis. He told me that I was going to be a better person for this when it was all said and done. I want to believe that more than anything in this world.
A Trip Back
Last week I was on vacation and I spent it in a place that I lived and played in the late 80’s, Los Angeles. When I moved to L.A. it was for all the wrong reasons. I was 19 years old and in love with a boy 3 years older. When he got a scholarship to USC and announced he was moving I could not imagine life apart. So I applied to UCLA and off we went. It was perfect. Two young guys, deeply in love and starting a new life together a thousand miles from home. At first it was wonderful. We got a one bedroom apartment in Marina Del Rey and part-time jobs. We made friends very quickly with people at work and school. Here I was in a huge city living the big life. Sure there were days of home sickness and longing for the friends that I had left behind, but those seemed to fade more and more with each passing day. I remember driving one day down Sepulveda and thinking how happy I was and how for the first time in my life I felt like an adult. No parents’ rules or nagging to bother me and nobody from high school to remind me of my awkward teenage years.
Things were good for the first year and a half, but then trouble started to rise. My boyfriend started messing around with drugs and then he became more and more anti-gay. He began hanging out with his straight school friends more and me less. Finally late one night 6 months later I came home from work and found him in bed. He was in bed with a woman. I just stood there. I couldn’t move or speak. It was a very awkward moment of me grasping for a shread of understanding and him grasping for the sheets and an excuse. I turned and walked out of the room, closing the door behind me. I then walked out of the apartment and down the street 2 blocks to the beach. There I sat for several hours on the Venice beach, waiting. I’m not sure what I was waiting on. Perhaps I was waiting on him to chase after me and tell me how sorry he was or may be I was waiting on my own feelings of regret and forgivness that never came. Then again, may be I was just waiting on the Sun to rise so that I would know that in some small way life would go on.
Three months later I had packed my bags and was on a flight back to Memphis. Finally as the plane lifted off the ground at LAX I was able to let go of my sadness and the tears began to flow. I said good-bye to my 3 year old relationship, my new friends and my life in Los Angeles on that day. I have never regretted my decision to move back to Memphis. At the time it was the right thing for me to do. Yet, I can’t help but wonder what would have come of me had I stayed. Where would I be today? One of my friends today told me that, "…things happen for a reason and you just have to accept that this is what you are supposed to be doing right now…" I hope that he is right.
All my love, puppets…
~SeanyP~
My Rock
During the early part of my life I would spend the Christmas holidays with my dad’s family in rural Mississippi. It was a small town of about 2,000 people. A place where everyone knows everyone and if they don’t then, "they must not be from around here". My Dad’s aunt worked at the local furniture store in the quaint little town square, ‘Queen City Furniture’. Some of my fondest memories come from that store. I would sit for hours sometimes behind the counter with my great aunt laughing and giggling. Everyone called her Mama Rock and I’m not really sure why, but it seemed to fit just fine. She was a vibrant and wonderfully kind woman. Her stories and laugh could make me smile for hours. As I grew older I learned that this jolly soul was more than just a lovable clown. She could have done so much more with her life than balance the books of a small town furniture store. She had the brains and personality to be or do a lot of things. She could have had the world, but she sacrificed it all for her family. Her sisters and brothers, her son, her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She was content to stay in that small town all her life, because her family and friends were her life.
Last Thursday, after finishing her meal, she made her way to the back porch of her home and her rocking chair. There she would sit and watch television, read and talk on the phone. That night as she watched TV her head tilted to the side as if she had nodded off to sleep, but in fact her heart had stopped. Her sweet spirit was no more for this world. She was gone. Seventy-eight years of living had passed away quietly and peacefully.
Today was the funeral. It was a tearful good-bye to a very special friend. As I helped carry her casket to the grave I fought back my own tears of sadness. Not only had I lost a very dear and beloved relative, but I had lost a wonderful part of my childhood, too. I will always think back to those day in the furniture store as a very special time in my life. May be she was called Mama Rock because she was a rock. She was always there and she could always be depended on no matter what. She could make you laugh until you cried and then help you dry the tears. I find it ironic that a woman that was so full of the zest for life and whose thunderous laugh could fill a room would slip away so quietly. I will miss her dearly.
For Mama Rock, God bless…
Bragging Rights
I haven’t watched TV much in the last 5 years. I don’t care about reality shows or the people in them. I’ve never seen ‘American Idol’ or ‘ The Amazing Race’ or even ‘Desperate Housewives’. I really just don’t have the time, but I also just think there are better things to do with my time. Does this make me a better person? No, not at all…I have different priorities in life. This make the events of last night all that more amazing.
I work at a children’s charity hospital and we are always bring in celebs and VIP type people to do photo shoots and fundraisers. Last night we brought in some guys from some of the reality shows and part of the perks of my job is I get to go out for drinks with them. One of the guys was Reichen from The Amazing Race. I didn’t really know who he was, but I still wanted to meet him cause he was supposed to be really hot and gay, too. Well he was both. We took them to a local martini bar downtown, but it was kind of dead. Reichen wanted to go to the boy bar. We decided we would go to Metro and instead of them taking cabs us locals would drive them. Since I have a two seat-er I could only take one. So Reichen went with me. It was torture…NOT. 
We made small talk in the car on the way to the bar. He asked me if I had seen his new talk show. I told him that honestly I didn’t know who he was until that night. He said he could tell, but that was okay with him. He bought me a couple of beers at the bar and I gave him the tour. The best part though was the look on every body’s face when I walked him into that bar. He was with me…sort of…and my stock was rising. When I headed home later on I glanced at the passenger seat of my car and thought, "Wow, I had a super hot celebrity in that seat tonight." It made my night. It made all the crap in my life fade into the distant for just one night. Sometimes it really is cool to be me.
P.S. I still have my job.
Waiting for Tomorrow
I was sitting at work today thinking about how things continue to be very unpleasant in my office. All my co-workers complain everyday about the situation and how it will never get any better until we leave or our boss does. Yet, we are all still there. It has been a couple of months since my very emotional day at work that sent me down this road of despair. I have not made any progress in my search for a new position or improving my current situation. I have to ask myself what am I waiting for? What has to happen to make me change?
Today we had a meeting where the entire department was reprimanded for not being a "team". Well the only member of the office that is not on the "team" is the boss. The rest of the staff works very well together. I tried to say as little as possible at this meeting for fear of retaliation by the ‘boss’. You see, our bosse was not present at the meeting because the meeting is about none of the staff get along with her. I told my co-workers that I bet them within 7 days of the meeting I would get called into HR, again for some insane made up reason. At 5:17pm today as I am about to walk out the door my phone rings. On the caller ID it shows HR. Since it was after 5:00pm I did not answer and plus I really didn’t want to hear what they had to say. So now, here I sit facing another sleepless night wondering what will happen when I go in tomorrow. Will I be fired? Will they wright me up for some stupid made up reason? Will this be the final straw? Will I be waiting tables this weekend? Stay tuned…
