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The following post was originally published in October of 2006. When I wrote this it was too late to save the friend that this was about. Now, almost 2 years later it seems I may be facing a similar situation with someone very close to me. I hope this time I won’t be too late.
"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life…" - The Fray
In a city like Los Angeles there is always something to do. There are movie premieres. There art gallery openings, trendy bars & restaurants, and great shopping. The one thing there is not for a new comer is always someone to do things with. I have met some really fun people, but everyone seems to have a life already in progress. No one seems to have the time or the need for a new friend. How can that be? When I lived in Memphis I would go to parties in the hopes of meeting someone new. In a city like Los Angeles, new is not necessarily improved.
When I came here I had a handful of friends already here. They were scattered over the L.A. metro area, but at least it was a start. One of my friends was new to the city just like me. He had moved here in August of last year for work and was doing great. At least that is what I was taking from it. Every time I would see him he would look great. He was loosing weight and looked so happy. After several months I noticed all sorts of strange signs. His appearances became very rare and when I would see him there was always some drama of some sort going on around him. Days or weeks would pass before he would return my calls. Sometimes late at night I would get random yet very strange text messages or voice mails asking for help. When I would respond I would get no answer. Finally around Labor day weekend I got a call asking if he could crash at my place, but he never showed up. I saw him out a couple nights later. He looked very thin, sad and distressed. I hugged him and whispered, "I’m here if you need me".
That was the last time I saw my friend. A couple of weeks later I discovered that he had moved back to the East coast to live with his parents to try and put his life back together. I know it is for the best, but somehow I feel that I failed him. Perhaps if I had paid attention to the signs I could have stepped in sooner and then I could have…
As I sit here in the solitude of my room I wonder what I really am doing here. In Memphis I felt like people needed me and I made a difference, but here… Here I have failed the one person that really seemed to need me. Perhaps the person I failed was me. I like so many others in this world need to be needed by others. I often wonder if that is why we have children or even pets for that matter. I once had a friend tell me that the reason I don’t keep close friends for more than a couple of years is because the minute I sense they don’t need me quite as much I start looking for someone who does. It could be or is it me that really needs them.
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Wow, that is some story… I do agree that we all feel the need to be needed and I can tell you that I have been in simular situations.The thing is that we can only extend our hand to a friend but it is up to them to grab it and sometimes they dont, it doesn’t mean that YOU have failed. When people get in a “situation” they have to want help themselves… in a simular situation where I felt like there may have been more I could have done I also had to remind myself that I was there for them as much as I could be and God took care of the rest.
Cindi 07.17.08 @ 9:20 amWe are all here for a reason but it is really up to God. Pray about what bothers you and he will help, sometimes our prayers may seem to go unanswered but he has his reason for it. We might not always have the answers we want when we want them but eventualy God reveals them to us and then we realize that it was supposed to be that way.
There is only so much you can do to help others, sometimes there are things in life we can’t make better or control.
Callie 07.17.08 @ 12:35 pmi have a freind , I have tryed to help, but he dont hear me or maby just dont want to, not sure, his wife soon x, has been realy bad to him, used him to get to usa, he is saying nice guys cant win,, he is a cancer surviver, ,
kindra 07.22.08 @ 11:20 amyeah, i feel the same… especially when it’s only too late to figure out that I have failed them and almost loosing them when I didn’t throw just a simple attention or if I did, no follow ups from my end… We tend to not persevere at all.
Irish 07.24.08 @ 12:15 ammost of the time we dont exactly know whether we want to be needed by someone or we want to need someone. sometimes its more of we need someone rather than showing that they need us. its kinda sad though that when we realize how vlauable a person it is to our life they are already gone.
Mayan 08.03.08 @ 2:41 pmi tried to be a good friend most of the time but i feel that people took advantage of me in so many ways so i just tend to move away.for sure you did the best that you could do.
eldridge 08.04.08 @ 7:16 pmhow sad… i did something like that lately, extended my hand in kindness, to help who i thought needed me… for a while we needed each other… then he just disappeared… it kinda makes you scared to befriend anyone again.
L'Annie 08.05.08 @ 2:17 amhow sad… i did something like that lately, extended my hand in kindness, to help who i thought needed me… for a while we needed each other… then he just disappeared… it kinda makes you scared to befriend anyone again.
L'Annie 08.05.08 @ 2:17 amWow thats sad,its sounds familiar.but hey dont worry its not your fault,you offer your hand but he didnt take it so dont feel guilty about it, just pray for him and dont quit so easily to friends.
rosalina 08.11.08 @ 9:01 ammade me think of a friend of mine who was talkin about being in a “deep, dark hole” of sadness since losing her partner. Don’t know how to really help her as we are oceans apart and everything I suggest she declines. I was able to take her out a couple of times when I was there visiting. No one else seems to be able to connect with her these days;it worries me.
Sue 08.11.08 @ 10:08 pmang galing mag-english!nauubusan ako ng words!it’s hard to find a truefrnds,even in ur own relatives,it’s hard to find a true frnd!for me true frnd will be found in the center of the storm!,in the midst of darkness,in the deepest ocean,in the middle of war. etc
jun 08.19.08 @ 7:46 pmSean,
chelzrosali 10.17.08 @ 2:45 pmi think it’s your way of endearing you more to people. Being there for them when they need you and just wanting more for them to need you. It doesn’t mean though that when they don’t need you anymore, they don’t want you or love you. Remember that friendship is a two-way process. They’re not only the ones who can need you. You need to need them as well. And just because you seize to be there for them at those times doesn’t mean that they’ll not love you anymore. be warned, those are not true friends. You don’t have to earn their love by being there always. they have to understand that you do need to live your own life as well. And you might also agree with me that it hurts when they do the leaving. Coz you feel that you’ve been taken advantaged of and then taken forgranted. You feel betrayed and let down. And friends don’t do that to friends.
And just by reading your write-ups i could sense that you are a keeper. YOu’re a great friend. So don’t under-estimate your worth as a friend. Be there for them but at the same time be sure that you’re not being taken advantaged of.
Take Care!