Deep Thoughts & Stuff

bBreaking the Seal

Tonight it is raining in Los Angeles.  That doesn’t happen very often.  When it does I like to stay at home.  Partly because people in L.A. cannot drive in the rain at all, but mostly because I love to listen to it rain.  It calms me and makes me happy.  Tonight as I listen to the rain I can’t help but get sentimental.  I have been wanting to write about this for a while, but could not find the words or get in the right mood.  The rain helps me think.  I don’t know why.  I just can put my thoughts together better when it rains.  As we go through life we fall in love and out of love.  Sometimes we end a relationship for selfish reasons.  Sometimes the relationship ends because someone cheats.  Sometimes a relationship just dies because the love has run dry.  There is no good way to end a relationship.  It hurts no matter who is to blame or who did what to who or even if there just is no more love.  The best you can hope is that you learn from it and move on ready to love and be loved again.

Almost four years ago, my relationship came to an end.  It was not easy.  As much as I tried to deny it, the time had come.  The bill was past due and had to be paid.  I tried so hard to hold on.  Finally, I admitted defeat and we broke it off.  It was not easy.  I fell apart.  My world was turned upside down.  I was angry.  I was hurt.  I was confused.  I couldn’t accept the fact that what I had thought would last forever only made it just past 6 years.  To try and compensate for my shattered world I did what most gay men do.  I buried my hurt in the comfort of other men.  I was "comforted" by many men.  I went from one right to the next.  Every so often I would meet someone nice, sweet and caring.  We would date for a while, but the minute it got remotely serious I would break it off.  I would always use the same excuses, like that I was not ready for a boyfriend.  I don’t want a boyfriend.  I love being single again.  The awful truth was that I was scared of getting too close.  Eventually I had taken my shattered heart and buried it deep inside so no one could find it.  I didn’t want anyone to touch it.  I got really good at it and then one day I noticed something.  I noticed that I had forgotten where I had buried it.  Where was my heart?  I felt like I was finally ready to being serious, but I couldn’t find the emotions to be a part of a relationship.  What had happen to me?  Was I still too scared to trust anyone.  Was I too scared to trust myself?  When my last relationship walked out the door that bright April morning did my ability to love go too?  Did it get packed away in the moving fan with everything else?

About three months ago, in an email to my Ex, I told him that I had finally accepted the fact that I would more than likely spend the rest of my life single.  I’m sure he just thought I was just being dramatic as I have been accused of being on numerous occasions.  I was serious.  I had finally come to a place in my life that I was content with everything.  My job, my home and my friends and family all filled me with contentment.  Then one day a week or so later something happen.   I met someone.  At first it was just a friendly flirtation, but within a couple of weeks it was moving full steam ahead.  Finally one Saturday afternoon about 6 weeks later as we lay talking on top of my bed he spoke a simple three word phrase.  I sat up quickly and had to look away from him.  Something was wrong.  I could feel a pounding in my chest, a lump in my throat and I had tears flowing down my face.  He asked what was wrong, but I knew nothing was wrong.  Everything was just as it should be.  Something wonderful had happen to me.  This man had reached inside of me and unlocked the door.  I was free and I was in love.  What a truly wonderful feeling.  It has been so long, but I don’t remember it being like this.  There is something different this time.  I’m different.  He’s different, too.  He is so different from anyone I have ever known.  He is more than I expected.  He is more than I feel I deserve.  He has become my very world.

"There are somethings in life worth waiting for…"

22 Comments so far
Leave a comment



Leave a comment
Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Name (required)

Mail (will not be published) (required)

Website

Your Comment