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"Memories, may be beautiful and yet, what’s too painful to remember - We simply choose to forget - So it’s the laughter,
we will remember - whenever we remember…"
Barbara Streisand - ‘The Way We Where
Sometimes we do things that we regret, but over time we learn to hide them in the back of our minds. We trick ourselves into thinking that it wasn’t so bad after all. We can go for years and years without ever even thinking about it. Then one day, without warning, something happens that brings you face to face with your past. It has been said that those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it.
My father was the oldest of three boys in his small southern family. His youngest brother was always different. He didn’t like the things that his older brothers did. He didn’t play sports or go fishing or enjoy hunting. As I moved towards my teenage years I became very aware that what was different about my red headed uncle, besides his hair color, was that he was gay. It was the unspoken secret. It was the thing that no one ever mentioned at the dinner table, but we all knew. The problem for me came from the family gatherings when I was compared to him. "Oh sometimes you remind me of your uncle so much", my grandmother would often say. Because of that I found myself keeping my distance from him. I thought that if I shunned him that no one would figure out that I too was gay. So I did just that. I would avoid him at every cost. This went on for years. Then when I was 19 my uncle was admitted to a hospital with pneumonia. He had been in declining health for the last couple of years, but I wouldn’t know this because I hadn’t seen or spoken to him since I was 17. Five days after he was admitted to the hospital he died. It was AIDS. My dad’s youngest brother was dead at 37 and I was in panic mode. The funeral was in three days and I was sure that If I went they would all know about me. How could I go to the funeral of a man I had turned my back on for the last couple of years? How could I go to a funeral for a man that know one even acknowledge was gay much less that he died from AIDS. How could I stare into the tear stained face of my dear grandmother and know that she knew that I could be next? How could I watch my father weep for the loss of his little brother as they lowered the casket into that ground all the while wondering about his ever distant oldest son? I couldn’t…I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t go that cold April morning in 1987. I made up some lie as to why, but I didn’t go. My father didn’t speak to me for months afterward, but I just couldn’t do it.
I haven’t thought of those days in so long. It’s been 30 years and for the last several I have ignored that it ever happen. The other night I was with some friends when the were told that an old friend was sick. He had been fighting HIV for years, but they hadn’t known. Their grief was sudden and strong. I just sat in the back of the car in silence as they tried to understand what had happen. Then without warning my past came to the present. My sad friend turned to me and asked had I ever lost anyone to HIV. I just stared at the back of his seat. I knew that he needed to hear it, but I was afraid of what I would say. I took a deep breath and looked up at his tear filled eyes. "Yes, my dad’s brother died of AIDS when I was 19 and I didn’t go to the funeral." My friend wanted to know why I didn’t go. I told him I was young, stupid and scared. We got out of the car and said good night. I walked down the block and got into my own car. There I sat for 20 or so minutes and cried. I wept for my friend’s new found grief. I cried for my dead uncle, for my own father’s sorrow and my heart broken late grandmother. Most of all I grieved for my own guilt.
Looking back now I know that I have never forgiven myself and after all these years it hurts more than ever. I can never take back what I did. There is nothing I can say or do that change what happen. I will never have the chance to tell my uncle how sorry I am for the way I treated him. I will never be able to take back the hurt. I will have to learn to live with that for the rest of my life.
~For Rusty~
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Uhuh… (I don’t know what to say.) Tc.
Che 05.27.07 @ 1:10 amit happend to every young boy who’s in denial to be scared sean. and i’m sure your uncle understand about it.
and i’m pretty sure now, that he’s happy to know that you have spoken to somebody about this guilt that you’ve been carrying for a look time.
the bottom line is that i’m sure he understand you
SerBotet 05.27.07 @ 2:17 amI do understand about keeping everything in secrets. I’ve lived in the south for 27 years and southeners are very conservative and stucked to the old fashioned ways. Hell! they stared at a black/white couple…let alone let them see two men holding hands. Homosexuality in the South still pretty much hush! hush!especially in small areas unlike other states.
Aida 05.27.07 @ 9:53 amYou were just young and naive that time Sean, and you know that if you could turn back time, you will take the chance. But this guilt feeling you have, don’t let it control over your life and affect your decisions in the future. Otherwise, your uncle in the other world won’t be happy seeing you fret over spoilt milk. I bet he is more than happy enough knowing that you understand far more deeper now about the past.
Trulan 05.28.07 @ 1:31 pmGood luck and be healthy always
Troy xx
you know sean, i dont know wat to say? but the things is you must forgive and forget!! even its hurts or hard to do it. you must; you know why? god knows what is in your heart & no one can defined the feeling that you have now. but this time try to look back and say sorry!! saying sorry is a big world to say!! be free in the past and face the future. good luck to you my friend.
monette 05.29.07 @ 12:53 pmGosh I don’t know what to say too.Anyway, instead of dwelling with your problem why don’t you just look for a solution so that you can move on with your life and the best solution is let it go and learn how to forgive and forget I’m sure you’ll be relieve with your guilty conscience.If you have time just go to his grave and talk to him and tell everything what’s inside your heart and I’m pretty sure he will listen to you and by that you also let him rest, you know what I mean? soul are restless if they left something here on earth unsolve, that’s why we pray for their soul so that they will rest and peace and be back home with our creator.You look good in your picure so don’t waste your time son.MOVE ON and spread your wings.
Pearl 05.30.07 @ 6:41 pmSean, I ‘n m’friend are very touched with ur blog. We have an idea 2 put some of ur writings into a book that we’re going to make. May we?
HePee 06.09.07 @ 12:15 amHmm… Arrgh… you were gay and no one knew even until at 19..? damn you’re good. But seriously sean, i think its time you give it up and seeing you post here, i think you must be feeling alot better now. no offence but maybe gayness runs in your family.., and ur daughter might be half gay too… who knows.. only time will tell., but anywho., this is definitely a well written plot, good job ;D
The Real Acer 07.27.07 @ 5:30 amsometimes seans its haard to face the reality because we know that reality will hurt us. so why not face the fact and learn from the pain who knows this will be the start for the new sean
SAY 07.28.07 @ 11:44 amMICHAEL BUBLE LYRICS
“Lost”
I can’t believe it’s over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I’d only knew
The days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying
Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it’s not too late
It’s not too late
‘Cause you are not alone
I’m always there with you
And we’ll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
‘Cause when you feel like you’re done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you’re not lost
When your worlds crashing down
And you can’t bear the thought
I said, babe, you’re not lost
Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you’ve gone crazy
But you’re not
Things have seem to changed
There’s one thing that’s still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away
‘Cause you are not alone
Fendi 07.28.07 @ 9:50 pmAnd I am there with you
And we’ll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
‘Cause when you feel like you’re done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you’re not lost
When the worlds crashing down
And you can not bear to crawl
I said, baby, you’re not lost
I said, baby, you’re not lost
I said, baby, you’re not lost
I said, baby, you’re not lost
You are doing a mistake again Sean. You are just doing the same exact thing your uncle did when he was still living. You must face reality and that is the present. Past is past and yes there’s nothing we can do to change what happened in the past but we can correct that by doing the exact things or right things while you still have time. You will never enjoy life if you keep on clinging to the past and you know that it will do nothing but instead will hinder you from moving and enjoying your life specially with your family. You just need to have the courage to come out in the open and admit your fault to fully forgive yourself and to show who really you are. Don’t do things in silence for it will not help. There are things that are better left unsaid, yes but silence will never seal what you’re trying to bury…
Junafe 07.29.07 @ 1:14 pmThis is a very powerful journey, decision is all yours, we learn from our past and we make sure we are able to think better in the present, make a decision and stick with it as long as it does not harm anybody and ourselves. So in the future we are already excellent.
Arnalina Alava 07.29.07 @ 8:23 pmstepping forward should consist of total submission to be able to feel its ultimate worth, as we go sailing here on our boat we must learn to adapt tru all kinds of weathers, as we all know in the sea we have them all, and no guarantees no matter how excellent the captain ridin, i think it will be more worthy to simply feel and enjoy our ride, whatever happens, we gain something rather than wasting our time from fears of negative events in the future..having a full package life consist of feeling everything, learning the most out of it, then just continue hoping for positive outcomes.rather than staying from shadows of our past mistakes and fears. I HAVE LEARN IN LIFE HOW TO FEEL IT, ITS JEAN WHOS THE ONLY ONE WHO WAS ABLE TO GIVE AND TAUGHT ME THOSE UNTRAVELLED AVENUES.i was able to touch them, it was not easy but its uncomparably worthy ,unique and meaningful tool for the rest of the journey! I dont know Jean how you are able to arrive. but you really did! umm!
L ame 11.11.07 @ 5:15 pmWhen things aren’t going well for you and times aren’t what they should be, just focus on the positive and think about what could be. Acknowledge what has happened don’t lose sight of lessons past but don’t allow the negative distracting thought to last.
Take what you’ve learned and start from there:, draw strength from your frustration, and let this added sense of purpose be your new foundation.
It’s hard to follow any plan precisely to the letter. Though life right now is difficult, things will in time get better.
Thess 01.17.08 @ 6:08 amso sad story….i was carried away….we learn many things from our mistakes
jasper 03.04.08 @ 10:29 amwe cannot change things we don´t want,but to release trully and be free is still God´s mercy. i do understand you you´re not the only one who struggle situation like that but do we like to live our life like that? it´s a bondage! we never may give attention to the person whom we now missed, or simply tell them how they are good and love was, or listened to them or accompanied them,and the truth that we can never do it for they are gone they can no longer hear us or see us nor hug us and understand us why we act like that. that´s the same situation i am struggling now, and it´s quite painful inside me that even simple word sorry wont be heard anymore. but the saddest one to know your concern the most important thing is where they go? are they save? are they life belong to Jesus? the painful thing is when we are separate from God, so what about us? we still have the chance to make things right if we desire and decide, that´s our message one onother today in this end time generation, so let us put our hope, mind, soul and strenght unto Him he owns everything He can do things possible for us for His glory
jennifer 03.22.08 @ 2:06 pm